Self-reflection is a bitch.
But if I have to, I might as well do it in a space I created. If I’m going to use this blog as my outlet, I don’t want to talk about dating failures without acknowledging my own toxic traits. I am adult enough to realize that I played a part in my failed relationships. This is going to hurt, but here is the (very small) list of fucked up things about me.
My love language is definitely quality time. What I struggle with is balancing that physical need for affection with the list of wants I’d like in a man. It’s going to be rare that I find a man that is both financially successful and able to provide as much time as I require. At the core level I understand this, but since I consider myself successful and am willing to put in the time I would like reciprocated, it’s mind-boggling to me that someone else would not have this ability.
So, as soon as I figure out that a man I like is always “busy”, I don’t have the patience to wait. And I move on. Potentially, could I have gotten rid of a good match for myself because of trivial requirements? Maybe. But I also don’t think I require more than I am willing to give myself. I don’t want to acquiesce to things I do not want in a relationship and end up with a man that is a disappointment to me. This is something I hope to fully evaluate more as I go on this journey.
I don’t give many chances.
I have never been a woman that can take a man that’s done her wrong back over and over again. Call me a bitch, but there are more men where he comes from and I don’t have the patience to build a man up when he should at least already be under construction when I get him. This is where I can go on a whole tangent on being a black woman and being expected to be there for some of our fucked up men and their toxic masculinity, but not have the expectation they return the emotional labor. I simply don’t want to do it.
I am very black and white on this. If you fuck up, I do not feel I am required to forgive and forget. If we have no marital commitment, requiring my emotional labor is selfish and I will not provide. I realize people make mistakes, and maybe I should let up on this and consider a gray area exists? I don’t know, yall let me know in the comments.
I will read into things that may not be there.
I am SO bad at this it’s honestly embarrassing. I will misread a text in a minute. I am very much a Pisces and look for clues in a text of hidden meaning. Sometimes I should really slap myself and say, “Bitch, maybe they mean exactly what the fuck they say and you are projecting your own emotions onto something that does not even exist. At this point, I’d really prefer phone communication because the tone of voice is a lot easier to read than all caps.
With this, I plan to work on communication and ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions.
I can say hurtful things when upset.
I have the tongue of a viper. In the same way, I can read emotional cues, I am also able to hone in on the things that can most hurt a person. When hurt, I lash out and have said hurtful things that an apology cannot take back. Because I am impulsive and seeking to hurt them back, I say fucked up shit I instantly regret and ruin someone’s perception of me instantly. I am working on learning to gather my thoughts and choose my words before speaking.
Though this blog can be very tongue in cheek, I do want to work on things I can change and modify to be a better human and woman in a relationship. I know sometimes, it isn’t always the man that ruins things. (Except in the case of my child’s dad. That was all his fault) Self-reflection is a bitch, but it is healthy and I plan to spend this year encouraging my own emotional growth.