A Guide to Snatching Daddies

Let me be clear, I do not advocate for the theft, pilfering or any otherwise unsanctioned borrowing of Daddies in any way shape or form. I like my Daddies freely given, with expressed consent. But sometimes a girl just has to hit the town just fucking it up. And if a few stray widowers just happen to end up at your door, offering their pension checks, can you really be blamed?

There are a variety of daddy types and depending on your goals, there are many ways to snatch (or discourage) advances. Let’s break it down into the four major subgroups and optimum fishing tactics. Sit down, sis. Time to learn you something.

#1 – The Old Skool Daddy

Steer clear of this one. He’s raunchy, he’s still married to Miss Ernadine (and she’ll fuck both of yall UP with a broom), he spits when he talks and he is perpetually ashy. Something about a drunk old head coming at you with that Bluetooth permanently attached to his ear, sitting with a can of Budweiser outside the corner store, yelling clean across the lot

Aint you a fine peach pie? I’d like to get me a slice of THAT!”

*shivers with the heebie-jeebies* These are the old men your Big Momma warns you about

Watch out nah, that old nigga’ll give you worms

These are mostly harmless. They enjoy the chase, but wouldn’t know what to do with you if you responded. They take a polite “Thanks, but no thanks” in stride because they don’t expect any woman to actually shimmy up in their lap. Plus, he’s afraid of his wife.

How to catch:


#2 – Widower Getting His Groove Back

These are sweetie pies. They lost their dearly departed wife and are ready to enter back into the dating scene. You will most likely first encounter them online dating. They will inbox you on POF and give you entirely too much personal information about themselves. It’s absolutely endearing.  If you encounter them in the wild, you will notice they aren’t actively looking for a young thang, but they will tend to end up in younger venues. They haven’t navigated the single waters in years and they show up to a 20-something event in a full blue velour tracksuit and  Stacy Adams shoes looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Be nice, they aren’t looking to score and leave. They are searching for someone to ease them back into the dating scene. These men are perfectly average and will treat you like a Queen, though be careful, they can be emotionally needy and want you to fulfill the role his late spouse held.

How to catch:

The direct approach. Tell him what you want, and quickly. He’s not looking to shop around. He will very much just “pick one” and take his ass home from the stress of it. Otherwise, spinster Sister Helen, lead church soprano in the choir, who’s had her eye on him for 5 years since Sister Betty died is gonna make him some greens and turkey necks he can’t refuse.

#3 – The Sugar Daddy

The traditional Daddy. If you are looking for a generous soul willing to pay your bills and finance vacations. Please do not attempt to snatch this Daddy if you are not prepared to put out.

Listen, this is for you hardcore bitches. I’m dating diabetic and he can keep his nassy sugar far away from me.

But if you like your peach muffin sweetened with a ol’ ripe banana, you gon have to work for him, sis. A real sugar daddy has options. You are going to have to impress HIM, not the other way around. Do you really think it ain’t a whole lot of finer women out here willing to some nasty shit for a trip to fucking Texas, let alone overseas?

How to catch:

You’re going to have to differentiate yourself from the pack. What makes your nasty ass the nasty ass for him? It’s crucial you pick your target first. And then you tailor your campaign to him and only him. If you go off throwing your darts in all directions, you may end up hitting a target you wished you’d missed. Choose carefully. Then you’re going to have to entice him. I cannot stress this enough. DON’T PROMISE ANYTHING YOU CAN’T DELIVER. This is a contract arrangement, so if you want him to give to you …your ass can’t be selfish, you have to provide him something to keep you around.

#4 – The Zaddy

The rare unicorn of Daddy fishing! He’s a young, well-built urban professional with plenty of time to spoil you. This is a husband, bitch. I can’t give advice on how to catch this one because I’m still working on it myself.

*Everything in this post as written in jest. Don’t take my ass too seriously. It’s common knowledge I have no sense.